I'm more embarrassed of this session than any I've had during the course of this blog. It's the horrible mentality that constantly being in a gambling environment can bring... wanting to put my money in just to see where the cards fall. If I were in a casino I'd be playing craps. It's masochistic, it's stupid. There is a good speech in a bad Al Pacino movie which goes like this...
“When we lose, and I'm talking about the kind of loss that makes your asshole pucker to the size of a decimal point - you know what I mean - You've just recreated the worst possible nightmare this side of malignant cancer, for the twentieth goddamn time; and you're standing there and you suddenly realize. Hey, I'm still here. I'm still breathing. I'm still alive. Us lemons, we fuck shit up all the time on purpose. Because we constantly need to remind ourselves we're alive. Gambling's not your problem. It's this fucked up need to feel something. To convince yourself you exist. That's the problem.”
And so, I wind up looking at my opponents, who are by and large degenerate gamblers, sports bettors, blackjack, craps... And often times, when I'm lazy, when I have been winning too much, when I am distracted, when I am not concentrating, I can not resist the urge to gamble with them... as opposed to the patient and slow moil of getting the money in good as often as you can... I mentioned this in an earlier post, and then decided that it was bullshit and my problems were entirely sleep related, but, I'm starting to think that my initial thought was correct. While sleep is probably the biggest factor, I'm thinking now that maybe this gambling vs winning duality is something deep within me, that I must constantly be in control of.
So.. the session goes like this... I get to the 5/10 game at the porn place. It's got my favorite Crazy Asian, and a bunch of others who aren't very good either. In fact there is only one player at the table who I'd even call remotely competent. And I get up $2k very quickly, that I take mostly off Crazy when my K9 turns two pair, vs what I guess was his AK. Then, over the next two hours I just start blowing the whole fucking thing. I get aggressive against Crazy, and it just doesn't work. In two years I've never been able to bluff him out of any hand, so why should I be able to do it now? But I keep throwing my money around because I'm in a losing mood. I have no big hands, but just whittle the entire profit away on one medium sized bluff after the next.
It comes to the end of the night, and I've gone from the $2k of profit, to $300 of profit. Crazy has left about an hour ago with $4k of profit or so. And I'm thinking about LA, wondering what I'm going to do for a bankroll, and I'm pissed as hell about everything... Last hand of the night I have Q4 of diamonds. Dude to my left stands up from the table as the cards are being dealt, I limp, he goes all in without looking at his cards for like $600. He gives a speech of something like “fuck it, I'm down so much, let's gamble.” Everyone folds.. and I'm feeling so shitty, and thinking some bullshit logic... if I go home with $300 profit, I will have to call this session a tie, but if I take his stack, I can mark it down as a win!! Of course I don't entertain the possibility that I have a below average hand and am probably behind. So I call. He has AK of diamonds.... wow.. I know it was authentically blind, as I watched him get up from his seat. So I lose that hand.. then game breaks, but the dude I just doubled up is all like “let's all put in $100 and just run the cards out.” To which I'm so fucked up, I'm like “ok great, let's get some of my money back.” And of course, I lose another $400 on not winning a single one. Until I finally come to my senses and force myself to walk out feeling like a complete douche. I almost start screaming at myself on the street because I feel like such a fucking idiot. But, yeah... I did convince myself that I exist.
5/7 Up $4130
Ok, so five game losing streak. No good. I recently went through my entire spreadsheet and figured out my winning percentage. I've determined that I've won 60% of my last 100 games. Which isn't nearly as good as I thought as I was doing, but it's great to be able to clarify how retarded a five game losing streak for me is.. as someone who wins 60% of the time should only lose 5 in a row 1.02% of the time.. or one five game losing streak in every 485 games. On the other hand I should win five in a row 7.78% of the time, or 1 winning streak in every 59 games. It's as likely for a 60% winner to win 9 games in a row as it is to lose 5 games in a row. I've never had a nine game winning streak.
So, I get down on myself about it. Obsessive about it. Trouble sleeping over it. I take a bunch of Benadryl and am able to doze off for a solid eight hours before the next 5/10 game. And I get to the game in the rare form of already being pissed at myself, without having to throw away a thousand bucks first.
And I am 1. Hit in the face with the deck, 2. play 100% perfect, and 3. no one can fold any hand and pay me off on everything. I get 3 sets, get paid huge on each of them, straight, flush, AA, etc etc...
However, my best hand is one that I lost... I limp with four others with KQ to a flop of KK2. Everyone checks, I check in middle position, hoping that either someone in late position will take a shot at it now, or maybe someone else will on the turn. On a blanked turn, this tight-assed, quiet dude in the big blind makes a pot-sized bet of $60. I've played with him a few times before, and I got the impression that he's never made a bluff in his life. I call, everyone else folds. River is also a blank, where he bets $100. I think for a little and just call again. And he has 2's full of Kings! I do a nice fist pump and big nod to myself I'm so psyched. I show my cards to the table and say something like “Wow, I'm fucking awesome!” I wish I'd remembered Hellmuth's “I can dodge bullets” quote.
Anyway, that's the only cooler I had the whole night, the rest of the time are just huge hands that are obviously ahead... My biggest problem is trying to get other people to put all their money in. Which is a piece of cake at this game.
So, yeah, huge relief... Bankroll is set for LA....
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